Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in The Big "A"'s LiveJournal:

Sunday, February 29th, 2004
3:02 am	I dont want to go to sleep I thought that since Daryl and I have rekindled our relationship I would be able to sleep better. And by better I mean not have any more nightmares or wake up with the shakes. Well that hasn't happened. I don't know whats wrong with me. Even after I take baby naps, I wake up and my breathing is all heavy and my eyes frantic around the room looking for familiarity. I use to LOVE going to sleep. Especially in highschool. I would have the sweetest dreams and I hated waking up at 7am to a freakin alarm clock. Now, I can't wait to wake up. As a matter a fact I am postponing my dreaming or nighmaring as I would put it, to write in this journal. So today was totally useless besides the fact that I saw a brilliant performance of the Vagina Monologues. Honestly acting is something I have always dreamed of. I am so comfortable on stage. Not because I like the spot light, just b/c I get to be somebody else for the amount of time I am delivering a monologue. Acting and singing are my two favorite hobbies. You know how some people like to smoke to get high, I like to sing and act. When I was younger, I performed in all kinds of plays for a production company callled "Hyperactive". I was only in elementary school and the other kids were in high school. My mom said I should take a break from hyperactive cuz I started "acting" like I was in highschool. Any ways it was the best thing for me because that's why I am the person I am today. So personable, and outgoing. Ironically, before I have to give a presentation to a class or something, I get extremely nervous. Even if I am about to voice my opinion in front of complete strangers. Any ways, the monologues were hilarious and heartfelt. Lets just say I don't think my vagina is ugly anymore. Ohh and I'm never shaving down there again, EVER! jk. No but seriously I had a wonderful time. I have a freakin huge test in history on monday and I really really really don't want to study. Ohh I just dont have any motivation. I need a fuckin break, even though I just had one in December. Tomorrow is game night and Im thrilled b.c its been two weeks since we have played. Watch out cuz team Sahara Desert Check is gonna whip some ass tom. Let me just explain the origin of our team name. Tracie, Derek and Tim and I were playing a game of pictionary. Obviously the delts against the pi's. So it was my turn to draw and it was an ALL PLAY. The word was SAHARA DESERT. Well, hour class is flipped so I started drawing this mans face with a turban ontop of his head, thinking Tracie would make the connection. HAHAH. Then all of a sudden Tim shouts out Desert cuz he's guessing Derek's drawing. So Next to my turban man I draw a check mark and point at Tim. Hopeing Tracie will understand that the check stands for Desert. NOOOOOOOOO she didn't see the connection and Tim and Derek won. Then after the tiem is up I explained my drawing and every one laughed at me. So thats where Sahara Desert Check came from. Would you like to know where Team "ASS in a box" came from? OK. The word was copy machine. So derek drew a boy flashing his ass ontop of a copy machine. Tim thought the copy machine was a box and obviously saw the ass of the man so he said "ass in a box?". Time was up, they didn't get the point and the Delts Lost. Alrighty I'm out of funny stories and my nightmare awaits me. ohh one more thing. I played Soul Caliber tonite and definitely kicked everyones ass. No joke. I was unbeatable as SPAWN. Then we tried to play this other game shit i forgot the name of it, but it makes Jenni get motion sickness. Ok goodnite. Im hot and parched. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 28th, 2004
1:59 am	It's over! I'm having roommate problems. Tiffany has become so distant ever since we got back from Dec. break. At first I thought she was just PMSing, but that lasted longer than a week. Then I thought she would just snap out of it, well needless to say 3 months later she still hasn't snapped out of it. I try to make conversation with her but she seems uninterested to talk. I'll ask her a simple question like "Are you goin out tonite" and she'll reply with an attitude and her eyebrows raised, "Does it look like I'm going out". Last week I asked her if she wanted to go eat and she said yeah. Then minutes later I see her getting dressed and I asked her where she was going, she replied, "To eat with Mary Helen." I was like, Hello did I not just ask you to go eat. She's giving me the silent treatment. So I try to make light convo's with her thinking just talk about something and get her to answer. But she gives me one word answers. Fuck it! I try so hard to include her in what ever I do. Every Sunday we play games with my big and some friend of this frat I know. (Yes Derek that is you, I know you're reading this) and she always gives them attitude. I'm just fed up with it. Im sick of trying. I never usually give up this easily but honestly I don't know what to do anymore. It's pretty sad b/c i always imagined my roomated in college would be in my life forever or it would be an experience I'd never forget, yada yada. But obviously things aren't going well. P.s it's not just me its to my suitemates aswell. I'm ready to move out of here. I need my own space. Or at least I need to be with someone who has the same interests as me. And enjoys being "Happy". This attitude reminds me too much of me and my mother. How I'd be ignored for a week after we had a fight. All i have to say is grow up, get over it and make the best of it. Don't spend your freakin life being miserable, cuz frankly its bringing me down. You know what they say misery loves company. I've tried so hard to please her, and it's sad it has to end like this. But she seems so out of reach. Advice? Besides undergoing surgery to remove the stick that is obviously up her ass. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2004
3:01 pm	Do I have to censor what I say now? I'm waiting to pick up some people to go to the Mall. Therefore, this will be short. I don't know if I should be writing in this any more. People actually read it. I came to update it ... beep beep beep.. We interrupt this program to bring you some late breaking news! On television as I type there is this show on the health channel. A man is saying how he wants to leave his wife b/c he is no longer attracted to her Physically! Ok so let me ask you a question Big Boy. If you got into a car accident and the only thing you lost was your PENIS... how would you feel if your wife said, "I'm sorry you'r just not doing things for me in the bed room anymore. But we can still be friends" Ok I just actually saw a picture of the lady and now I understand where he's coming from. Just Kidding. Back to the original topic: Although this is very therapeutic, some things that I have to say I really don't want certain people knowing. Plus my tone fluctuates, mostly I am sarcastic but I can definately see someone getting hurt or pissed off by my outbursts. Im going to think about it and get back to you on whether or not I'll censor. For now I'm off to find something disco oriented for my social tonite. The theme is "Studio 54". I think I should get some white powder and put it in a little capsule and scare my exec. board. HAHA. I'd love to see their faces. Alrightythen Bye Bye Now! p.s. WHAT IS IT WITH PEOPLE NOT DRINKING! (Comment on this)
Monday, February 9th, 2004
8:44 pm	SUP MAMMA I'm soo tired! I have a Criminal Justice test tomorrow I have yet to study. Thats ok its only 100 pages i have to read. Im a warrior, I'll be fine (and by fine I mean in bed in an hour) I think I have a pimple in my ear. My right one. It's annoying me and I can't keep touching it. I asked Tarin to look init but didn't see anything. Mi Padres came up this weekend. Ohh how I missed them. It was a chill weekend. Cold so we couldn't utilize the pool but hey whateva. We went to down town disney and had dinner at Portobello's. Delicious but not worth the money. My freakin meal was 25 dollars and IT DIDN'T EVEN COME WITH A SALAD! psht fagetabout it. The dinner conversation of the nite was death. My dad wants to be cremated and sprinkled all over Yankee stadium. (By the way its illegal). My mother wants us to keep her in a plastic baggy and carry her every where we go. It was funny and serious at the same time. I mean hey its gonna happen and we're all gonna go some day, you mite at well go out the way you want to. After that we came back to the hotel and watched RADIO. Great performance by Ed Harris and Cuba. Brilliant actors. But ofcourse they would never give the academy award to a man playing someone retarted "god forbid we offend someone". Sunday we came to my side of town and saw "Miracle". I tell ya, although we knew the ending it was a great movie. Then we went to din din with t jason, and i invited tracie and derek. I wanted my parents to meet them b/c they are basically the people i chill with and they're my family (up here). We went for Italian. My parents look great they are both on the South Beach diet. They lost a couple pounds which cant hurt. Afterwards I said goodbye to mi padres and went with tracie to dereks and played Pictionary. The adpi's against the Delt's. HILARIOUS. Shit I almost peed my pants. Tracie bought Derek new sheets cuz she always sleeps there cuz she lives an hour away, so while he was at dance practice we put them on his bed. In the car he said he would really like it if britney spears was on his bed when he got home, topless. So we drew the finest topless britney spears, and placed it on his pillow. Needless to say he was surprised and grateful. To make a long nite short, tracie and I slept on his new sheets in the bed while he slept on the old ones, in the fetal position, on the floor. Be back love you mwa (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
3:00 am	Homecoming Sup, Homecoming is really fun actually. Every one has school spirit and there's so much competition between the Greeks and the non Greeks and every club and organization. Last nite was Carnival nite. It was really cute. There is this open lot by the Arena where SGA got carnival rides for free. Like the ferest wheel, that thing that spins spins up and down until you wanna through up, sort of equivalent to the gravachan. Bumber Cars and tons more. Ofcourse a carnival wouldnt be complete without lil games to play where you can win stuffed animals an the traditional cotton candy, hot dogs, funnel cake with powered sugar or possibly any topping at all. To top it off it was all free. How great is that. Prior to going to the carnival with some ADPI'S, we had our flagfootball game. I don't play but I watch intensely. jk no i actually did play once so i have a jersey so therefore i stand with the rest of the girls who are playing. On the other side were about 5 billion fans and their mothers. JK Homecoming week is really spirited so our homecoming partners Lamda Chi Alpha and Phi Delta something rather were there. I must say they are the cutes cheer leaders ever. They made human figurine letters that spelt ADPI. They even did a half time show for us. Too cute. After we won the game against ZETA a much hated rival, we all bunch together in the middle of the field (ofcourse after shaking their hands) and do an ADPI cheer so fucking loud and fast that no one can ever make out the words we say. Sometimes I dont even say the right words I just yaayyayyayayayayayyaa ehhhhh ayyaya hehehheayya. Ya know. Its sound like that either way. Tonite was skit nite in the Arena. This is where all the clubs and organizations compete against each other by means of a skit and dance. Every one has a total of 10 minutes to do this. All of them were fantastic. I saw my twin brother dance tonite and he never looked better. Also the skits were hilarious.Our theme is the Next 40 years. So the skits had to go with that. You can imagine. I got home just in time to see the Marlins win. This will be exciting cuz tomorrow I get to get on a plane and see my boys play. I hope we have good seats. But what I really cant wait for is to have a hot dog. Ive been craving them. I told Tarin this at the carnival and shes said, "You belong to the right sorority" Meaning all we think about is food. Ohh and her cotton candy was good. Back to tonite- so we ended going to the Phi Delt house and the Beta something something house where a bung of Chi O's were at. They were really nice and DRUNK!. It was awkward for Tracie to be there with another sorority b/c shes already been corrupted but me, I was havin fun. Drinking a bruskey dancing around you know me. After that we went to Derek's (twin) apartment and chilled watched some show on tv.. talked about the skits and what not. But I was really tired so here I am now about to go to bed. Ohh yeah I bought you something. I gotta give it to you soon cuz, well you'll see when you get it. MWA. Love you miss you can't wait to see you. Loyally, Pookie (originally)then transformed into Cookie (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
1:24 am	Dearly Beloved We Gather Here to Say Our Goodbyes ( to the beloved Tim the Toemnail) Hey cooks, It was really nice of you to come visit this weekend. I'm glad you got to see my pad. So now when we talk you have vision. And now you know what I masturbate on.:P Im sorry we didn't get to go to a club. I would have liked it. But I dont think my toe was up for some steppin on. I'm also happy that you got to see some of my sorority sisters. The three girls that you sort of met Amy, Michelle, and Marium are such sweethearts. Even though they are blonde. I also appreciate your positive comments about the court yard of the libra center and all the complexes we visited. I always value your opinion and with your help I have accepted UCF for what it is even more now. That nite I had chapter and I wasn't feeling too good about it. Tarin pisses me off so much, but I don't let her see how much it hurts. Today we got sit where ever we wanted to at chapter and so naturally you sit with your "family"(sorority) or friends. My big wasn't there so I sat with some friends. I saw Tarin and a seat open next to her and when Ali walked in the room she was like "Ali come here I saved a seat for you". It just kind of hurt. I know that I have a bigger heart then she does, and I know Im more mature then she is in some aspects and thats what makes me confident. I worry about her cuz I have a bad feelin about her. I have this fear that life is going to throw her this big twist and shes going to have no one she thought she could trust, to back her up. OR maybe thats just my hope. I hold back when shes around. I'm not myself. We had to sing lyrics for something and one of the girls asked who knew the lyrics and the beat good enough to sing it. I did. I knew that I knew it better then any one in my chapter. just b/c Im really good with things like that. But i didn't raise my hand b/c Tarin and Ali got up to do it. I didn't want it to seem like I was following. Today I went to a costume/ sex store with dani her roomate and lea and jessica jones. We had fun. The stores were interesting as usual but no one got acostume. Tonite for homecoming every one gathered around at the reflection pond to watch pirates of the carribean. It was packed when we got there. But I managed to find awesome seats right on the side by the water. We were relatively close to the speakers so it was perfect. Noone was in our way and we had blankets and towels and candy to nib on. It was relaxing and breezy. I wish they would show more movies out there. I ended up talking to Daryl. Remember how he said he'd call that nite. But didn't. Yeah So I ended up going to sleep with the phone in my hand waiting for his call. Then I convinced my self to go to sleep and forget about him. But I couldn't forget about the Texas chain saw massacre. I was really pissed in the morning in case you couldn't tell b/c he didn't call. But he said that he tried. Online he said 8 times then he moved it up to 15 and then when i got to talk to him on the phone he skyrocketed it to 30. I really wonder how many times he tried or if he did at all. I sort of gave him the guilt trip. But I didn't mean to. The last thing I wanted to do was come off as selfish. But I really wanted him to know that one week without hearing from him is fine. But if it continues then how does he expect me to be his gf. It's not fair to me. I feel like the dog that waits by the door for his master to come home so she can jump onhim and wag her tail, then be the center of attention for about 5 minutes until the master finds something else to do leaving the dog alone again. But I don't want to be one of those girls who makes there boyfriend call every day, I want him to call. I was watching waiting to exhale today. Its agreat movie for women to watch. It made me feel confident about being independent. I dont want to have an attachful mentality. I want to do things on my own and be ok with it. I dont want to have to ask any ones permission. I want to be able to come and go as I please. I guess thats the way Daryl feels too. Its really hard to do this long distance thing. The times that I do get his attention Ralph is in the back ground talking to Daryl and then its me and Ralph competing for his attention. I wish I could say that I would rather us not go out while we are in college. And then rekindle on holidays or speratical weekends. But feelings change and I dont know if he would go for that. And if it was like that would it mean that we could see other people and when we rekindle just not talk about them. If we did that we'd have to make a whole constitution up of dating. 1st Amendment- dont talk about other partners. 2) Visit every third weekend of the month. I dont know its late im rambling. I can't be held accoutable for things I say past 1am. Since my mind is boggled. I really need to go to bed. Im sure Ill have more things to say tom. Nitey nite. Dont let the bed bugs bite. The Big A (Comment on this)
Friday, October 17th, 2003
3:25 am	My dad called me yesterday after the Marlins game to tell me that Tarin and I have to withdraw all of our money out of our savings accounts at 9 am and then go to the Student Union where there is a ticketmaster and buy as many tickets as we can. Considering that there is a 6 ticket limit per person/game tarin and I together can only receive 36 tickets. So I get Tiffany's ass up out of bed to come down to the SU with us. When we get there at 9:30 1st in line, this guy walks by and tells us you can only by tickets via phone or computer. So we run up stairs to the computer lab and quickly log on line with all of our credit cards sprawled out on the desk. 10:00am comes along Bam tickets go on sale and BAM! Tickets are sold out! Therefore, we didn't get the tickets and immediately went back to the bank to deposit all of that money again. I was soo pissed. I knew my dad was excited when he thought this lil plan of his would work. I could tell in his voice. It was a big rush for me. A rush against time (10:00) and a rush against people. I got back to the dorm and sleep. Waking up here and there from daymares. I don't know what its from but im sick of them. 2 O'CLOCK i meet with my advisor for next semester. After the meeting I feel overwhelmed and confused. I'm still not sure what I want to be. It's one of these (Criminal Justice, Psychology, Advertising/PR, Business) Criminal Justice- I would like to be a profiler. Psychology- I would love to be a therapist. Perhaps a marriage counselor or sex therapist. I'm extremely open about the topic. Advertising/PR- I don't really know what I would do here.. but my school has an awesome program for it. Maybe I could do Radio/TV even. And Business- well I want to own my own business some day so I would at least like to have some info on that. I was panicing b/c I didn't know what I wanted. So I beep beeped Jilly B. One to see how she was. Two- b/c she always helps me in situations like these. Ofcourse she was of great help and my heart rate went back to normal after we finished our convo. Later, I went to the mall with Tracie, Kelli Jenni and Eliza. All very sweet people. To my surprise I didn't buy anthing. I contemplated it, then I came to my senses and said I'd rather spend the money on something else. After we went to Walmart to get our buddies a gift for the buddy social that was tonite. I got him a big'ol coffee mug and Tracie bought 3 little bottles of alcohol to stick in em. Then I bought condoms and stuck those in it too. I had candy in my dorm so I stuck that in it as well. Tracie wrote all kinds of cute things on the outside of the mug like our letters and theirs. We got ready at Jenni's house and pre-partied. I only had 3 shots. Yuck..I'm still sick from my drinking in gainsville. Then we were off to the social. Every pair of buddies had a different kind of name tag with your name on it. Mine name tag was a yellow horse. So i found my buddy. He was tall, dark haired, dark eyes. To be honest I spent so much time in the dark with him that I don't remember if he was cute or not. I remember one of the sisters saying yeah he's cute. Anyway, he really appreciated the gift and then we had to ride separate transportation systems. Me bus with my girls. Him in a car. We got to the place and it was a bar with a club like room in the back. With Tv's and a bar to drink. Pool tables and a stage and a dj. I noticed the game was on so I watched the end of it. Glad to hear the Yankees and the Marlins are gonna go at it. I wonder which jersey my dad is going to wear. It would be nice for the Marlins and blow to the yankees if they intrude on their winning streak. After the game was over every one started dancing. Mind you I had 3 shots but I was totally sober. (NOTE TO SELF: Take more than 3 shots next time) My buddy gave me his gift in the club, it was a black pumpkin shaped basket full of candy and a witch hat candle. So cute. I think he felt i was neglecting him, b/c i was really watching the game instead of getting to know him. It ended up that he left early, and didn't say goodbye. What eva... To be honest I just wanted to dance with my girls. All the guys just want to hook up any way. Tracie being 21 is allowed to drink AT the social. She has one to many sour apple somethings and is out of it. We say this thing when someone is out of control. "The Lion is Roaring" It sounds funny, but when it is said to you at a social, it's serious. I said it to her quite a few times. She dances weird regularly, and her being drunk and shaking her tail feather was not a good idea. BUT FUNNY AS HELL. I would start dancing like her to try and hide her drunkenness. We will she if she'll get called to standards. Afterwards we went to this kids apartment (beautiful) They drank some, joked around, watched tv (PORN) and played with silly string. This kid broke the kegger.. so the guys got all pissed. We left and now here I am. I'm exhuasted and I have class soon so Ill see you tomorrow. I love you gnite. Ashley (Comment on this)
Monday, October 13th, 2003
8:34 pm	Be Alive! What up chikita banana? Even though I just spoke to you on the phone I have soo much to tell you. It seems as though the days and weeks go bye so fast yet the month lingers on. This past week has been overwhelming and exciting all at the same time. I spent a considerable amount of time at the Alpha Delta Pi house b/c of Diamond days. Thursday was all black day. Meaning we had to dress to pin in all black. Dress to pin means we can't wear denim or any thing that looks like it. Our shoulders have to be covered and we have to look conservative and classy. As if we were going on an interview. We dress to pin every Sunday at chapter b/c all the sisters wear their diamond pins. The Diamond Pin is gold in the shape of a side ways diamond with the letters of ADPI Inscribed on it. There are two hands touching each other above the the letters. On Thursday we all had to be at the Adpi basket ball game at 7 to cheer on our sisters. After that we went back to the house and they split us up into groups and stuck us in a room for an hour. I bonded with all of the 7 girls in my group and laughed and and discussed the sorority. Then some things happened that I can't go into delail about but needless to say we turned in our Alpha pins and received our neophyte pins made up of azure blue and white ribbon. They told us we had to wear the pin all day long on Friday and dress nice in white and blue. So Friday came and of course it was my b-day. Sam Rubin beep beeped me at 12 oclock in the morning to wish me happy b-day, that was wierd and nice. Daryl was on the phone with me since 11:30pm so technically he was the 1st one to say happy b-day. I told him that this would be the first year you wouldn't be able to call me at 6 in the morning to wake my ass up with breakfast and wish me a happy b-day. But officially you were the 1st to say it to me a day early. All the fam called. My mother and grandparents sang to me on the phone, jen and meagan saranated me, and tarin too. Tracie text messaged me with Good morining sunshine Happy 19th birthday. At 7 in the morning Cascades Florists calls me to tell me that I have a delivery coming and askes me for directions. I tell them that I have class so i won't be able to be there to receive the flowers so i tell them to call me when they are on their way and i'll leave class to get them. 10:30 comes around and tiff asks me if im going to class today, I say since "It's my birthday, No". So, Every time the phone rings I think its the floral place and I scream to Tiff, "AHHA ITS THE FLOWER MAN" eh not so much it was Tracie, then again it rings,"AHH THE FLOWER MAN" ehh again its jamie rosenberg. Then I'm on the phone with Linny my cuzin and I Get a beep, guess who? So i grab tiff to come down stairs with me to greet the flower guy. Needless to say as I opened the exit door the flower man was there. Holding this huge bouquet of red roses. And two balloons sticking out that say "Have a great day" (LOL). The flowers are too heavy to cary with one hand so I had to wait to read the card until i was in my room. I thought they were from my Daddy but to my surprise Pookie sent them. And he wrote a beautiful card to go along with it. It really made my day! On top of that I went to Algebra class and arrived back at the dorms at 2:20. I opened my dorm room and to my surprise it was decorated with hot pink and green streamers hanging from sceiling to sceiling.In addition yellow balloons were hung up many were floating around the floor. Care Bare party hats were placed on all of my stuffed animals and computer lamp. On my bed I saw a present and two cards. I open up the two cards and find out that Tiff and Jamie were the ones who did it. HAHA they got me a care bears stuffed animal that has a birthday candel patch on his tummy. Hes cute. Later I invite Jen, Jamie, Drew, Tracie, my twins Derek and Julie out to dinner at hops. Needless to say the waitress sucked but I was the only one who was symphathetic towards her. Every one else had a great time bitching her out. It turns out Tracie and Jen are made for each other. Ohh yeah Jen made me Brownies! Then Tracie and I were off to the Adpi house for a lil sister ceremony. Afterwards I went back to the dorms cuz I wasn't aloud to party or anything. Danielle had asked if I wanted to come over cuz she made me a b-day cake so i said yes. As I walk down stairs to get in my car I realized I had absolutely NO gas. So i rushed back up stairs open the dorm room called danielle to come get me and then a few minutes later she cherps me to say shes here. As im locking the door i realize there is a Pi Love sign on the door. I call tiffany over to ask her if when she got home 10 minutes prior to me leaving the 1st time, if there was a sign on the door, shes says no. Thats when I start to get suspicios. I ran down stairs looking for Tracie cuz i knew that she would do that. But then i saw dani and got in the car. We pass by my car and its coverd in big white letters that say My Big <> loves me! And We live for each other on it. It was cute. I notice a bunch of the cars of the girls that live in my community had it on. Then we go to Wendys and she gets something to eat. During this Su calls at 11:59 I proceed to tell her how much of a dick she is :). Then we go back to dani's and sit on her couch and chit chat. She tried to hipnotize me, it doesnt work i just end up falling asleep. 4 in the mornin i get a drunken phone call from Derek my twin, telling me to have fun at initiation and to look for the surprise he left me. I say ok (thinking he's crazy) then we hung up, and I proceed to have a dream about something lesbianish. No joke! Saturday- 9:00 I wake up to Tracies text message that says "Good morning Love, Don't forget to wear White Panties and a Bra, and no make up!" At 10 Danielle drives me home with my cake thats half eatin, I take a shower blow dry my hair then straighten it. I put on my best white panties (victoria secret) and bra, then head out with Tracie and our Pride for Brunch. After brunch all 60 Alphas are crammed in to the library room for an hour, where they confiscate our watches and cell phones. Then they ship us out to our rooms. 6 Girls in each room. As soon as we walked in the room it was like x-mas. Each of us had baskets full of presents, food and a big fat yellow envelope full of cards written out bye the Deltas. In my basket I got the game Clue, Uno, Go Fish, and a massive amount of candy. Derek made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and placed a yo yo on top of it. Carlos Tarins lil brother gave me Dove chocolate and kisses. YUM YUM. Also in my basket was a silk white tank top and silky white Undies. Perfect fit. OOh and white socks. Since I am an S i was in the last room to be initiated. Lets just say that we enterd the room at 1pm and left the room 6:30. I can't disclose anything else, but it was an amazing experience. Im soo honored to be apart of this sisterhood. To the 6 girls who were in my room, the time went bye soo fast. Thank god for the cosmopolitan magazine! Tarin left me a journal and wrote in the first page. It was nice I cried. She also left me a poem in my basket that is called BE ALIVE: Be Alive! Think Freely. Practice Patience Smile often Savor special moments Make new friends Rediscover old ones Tell those you love that you do. Feel Deeply Forget Trouble Forgive an enemy. Hope Grow, be crazy Count your blessings Observe miracles Make them happen Dicard worry Fall in love Give. Give in. Trust enough to take Pick some daisies. Save them Keep a promise. Look for rainbows. Gaze at the stars See beauty every where Try to understand Take time for people Take time for your self Laugh Heartily Spread Joy Take a chance Reach out. Let someone in Try something new Slow down Be soft sometimes Celebrate Life. Believe in yourself Trust others. See a sunrise Listen to rain Reminisce. Cry when you need to Have faith Comfort a friend Learn. Make some mistakes Explore the unknown. Hug a friend Be Alive! To conclude my over drawn out story Traci and I went back to Jenni's house with all the families and exchanged gifts. THE END! Pi Love Cookie (Comment on this)
Friday, September 26th, 2003
2:53 pm	Its a pitty Hey :(, Im at a loss for words right now because I'm so mad. Ok I found my words. Lets start of with this August, when I was helping jason fix up his apartment. I always considered us very close. And I felt as though I could tell him anything. (I guess in the back of my mind, knowing he's dating and will marry my sister some day, that any thing i tell him weill eventually and most likely get back to her) So we talked about various things and some how we came to the discussion of sex. I had asked him if him and Taring had done it yet and he said no, she wanted to wait. (GOOD FOR HER THATS GREAT, I respect her even more) Then he asked me if Daryl and I had done it. And i felt comfortable enough to say yes. And i went into this whole schpeel about how romantic it was and how i love him so much and im soo happy that i got to experience that with someone i care about soo much. and i think that i can say that I stressed the fact that it was "emotional for me" b/c my virginity was sacred to me, and that there were no doubts of doing it. B/c Im sure that he loves me and its not just puppy love and yada. I really sugar coated it. (YOU KNOW ME) And when i was telling him this there was no look of astonishment on his face or anything like that. I got nods and yeah's and right's. So today, my big diamond (Tracie) calls me up. Bye the way Tracie and I are close. I've told her every thing she tell s me every thing. Shes tarins age and also tarins lil diamond. Anyways she tells me Jason told tarin that daryl and i have been having sex. This is exactly how she said it to Tracie. Ta: ohh my god guess what? Tr: What? Ta: Guess whose have sex? Tr: Umm I dont know Ta: Ashley Tr: Ohh really Ta: Yeah Jason told me that she told him, and when he asked her she acted nonchalant about it like 'Yeah', like it wasn't even a big deal. Tr. Ohh 1st off Ive lost trust in Jason, I cant believe that he told her that i didnt even care about it. Apparently i conveyed my message the wrong way. 2ndly it seems like Tarins thinks Im a whore for not being a virgin. (Im sorry tarin and its great that you are but your like 1 in a million) Not every one who doesnt stay a virgin till they get married is a hoe. There actually are people out there (like me) who value love making even though they have premarital sex. She just pisses me off! Then she asks Tracie how come she didnt come tell me about this. And Tracie said its not like your htat close anyways. And shes like well we are becoming closer. Becoming closer my ass. Sometimes I really think she does things to hurt me intentionally. The other nite at the social we were standing around in a circle and I was with ali tarins lil diamond. Tarin had just arrived and She runs up to Ali making this big production. "My little diamond ahhh" Yada yada with this big old hug. The girl doesnt even say hello to me. This is fucking ridiculous. I have to go up to "her" and be say hello. What family do you come from tarin? Who the fuck are you? Why are you being so imature? WHy dont you like me? This is soo fucking sad that there is this lil sister (me) and a bigger sister(tarin). And the little sister want to be biff with the bigger sister, but the bigger sister cant stand the little sister. Why me? Why cant i have a sister thats close to me. What the fuck do i have to do. I know for a fact that if we werent sisters we would be best friends.. Were too alike. And too different in the same respect. Why do you still hold a grudge against me for things i did when i was in 5th grade. What the fuck is your problem. Patricia, I try soo hard to win her approval! Im sick of it. I would go through fucking fire for that girl. Why wouldnt she do the same for me. She has no confidence in me. Im this pest in her side. Why does she insist on leaving me as an outcast. Im always the bud of the joke. She is never nice to me, never. Its sad when your mom has to ask your 21 year old sister to be nice to her 19 year old sister. Grow up Tarin. She really doesnt have the same family values that I have. I wish she was still living in the house when my father got arrested. She has no idea what I went through. Every single day for whole fucking year. She has no idea how strong I was for the "family" but really how I wanted to kill my self inside. She has no idea what i went through when my parents split up. She would never even call me to see how "I" was doing. How are you holding up ashley? If you need anything I'm here for you. She had Jason to comfort her I guess. I had no one. It was such a relief to finally tell you. She doesnt know who I am... what i want to be.. what my values are. She's not even interested in any of that. She not a true sister to me. Shes not evena friend. Its sad. Especially since I look at my mom and her sisters andhow close they are. I will love her no matter what. I will be here for her always even considering allthe times shes put me down and stomped on me.Because shes my blood. She thinks that these people that she hangs out with are her true friends. I can see it, and they aren't. Jason might be but even he is shady. When that thing happened with my father. All of his friends ran a way. The only people that stood behind him were his family. Thats what Tarin doesnt really understand. She didn't see that happen to him. She doesn't understand how important it is to be close with your family b/c when times get rough, they are the ones who stick around. Reading over this is seems like I have alot of animosity towards her, but i dont. I love her dearly . And i want to be her best friend. But im not gonna try any more. I get offended when other people make judgments about her or any one in my family for that matter. Its one of those I can do it cuz shes my blood thing, bu you cant. Pretty much my rambling is over. And Tracie is on her way to hang out with me. Ill talk to you later. Ash (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
12:29 am	Hey Girl.......... Whats goin on babe. Sorry I haven't written in a while. Ok. 1)What I like to do is save all my calls till after nine o'clock. So that way Im not waisting any minutes. There is no two. I do always think of you when Im walking to class. Its soo beatiful here! I love haveing class at 10:30 b/c its breezy and there's no sun. The Reflection Pond is so peaceful.. I imagine if you were here.. you'd have a red blanket out underneath one of the trees,and you would be reading a book. When you come to visit.. we'll do a lil picnic thang. Every day walking back at 11:20 there are these preacher guys standing up preaching to the trees about "GOD, THIS" and "Heavenly Father THat". I just want to go over to him and listen to what he has to say. Not b/c im interested in joining a cult or anything. Just to see what hes talking about. And then more and more people come. And they all stand under this tree and take turns preaching to each other. hah Its quite amuzing. Lately I have been enwrapped in my studies. Micro is a bitch. I dont know what Im gonna do. I mean I want to learn the stuff, but he just goes to fast for me. And when i think ive grabbed the concept, he passes out a quiz and my mouth just drops! I went to the SARC place to get a tutoring in it. But they said that tutoring sessions are TBA. I'm like. Dude I need session like NOW! Algebra is fun. I always sit with Deon Peters and this kid Tj. who looks like he can be Steve Rogers older brother. Turns out they are rooming together. HOTTIE! and hes not cocky either. He was checking out this girl the other day. And i just kept thinking in the back of my mind. Wow shes not even good looking. It was nice to see a guy who wasnt just into looks. Any ways since my profes. cant really teach the class cuz hes from pakistan we just sit there and talk. We have this thing called CAPA. and it consists of quizes online. Im a genius at capa. Today in my discussion class for math two people were asking for help and wham bam. I did the problems in a flash. I like helping people. Its fun. Im good at it. I teach it to them as opposed to doing it for them. And I have patience and Im encouraging. But no Im not a teacher. Im going home next weekend! Home.. Im going HOME FOR THE LAST TIME. Im gonna fucking protest. Im chaining my self to the front door and Im not leaving. All of my memories of KIKI are in that house. Every memory is in that freaking house. Im as old as that house. My mother and father kept it in such good condition. I dont want some fucking lil peep squeals running around in it drawing on the fregin walls. I hope they stick a key in the electrical socket like i did and get electricuted. Its really emotional for me. To think that my future kids/husband. Won't know what kind of house I lived in. God damn you parents for wanting to leave. I hate the fact that I meet knew people and they dont know my family. You can tell soo much about a person by their family. But whatever! Sorority life is good.. chapter meetings are fucking long but they are fun. I would go into more detail about it but i can't. Daryl came to visit this weekend. Well for the day. We were talking the nite before and i dont even know how it came up but he said that he didnt want to break up but he needed to. Then the next day he called and told me he was on his way down. (He told me along time ago that he would never break up with me if it wasnt to my face) So he came down basically to break up with me. Even though I asked him that and he said "Im coming so we can 'talk'". Needless to say we are still together. (I'll tell you the details on the phone) cuz they are too fucking long. But im gonna go.. Ill update you more. THIS WEEKEND! WOO HOO. daryl said tickets were like 50 bucks i think? So looks like im not goin to the game. By the way I won 20 bucks playing poker agains these boys last nite. I told em it was my first time. ( yeah baby) IM A HUSTLER. i told my dad and he yelled at me. He said that he didnt want me getting into that. That I have his blood and its a disease. But the difference between me and him is that he didnt go to college. This is to pu tme through college. And im not gonna take high steaks. A lousy 5 bucks was at stake! But ne ways. Ilove you cant wait to see your smilin face PI<3 Ashley (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
3:28 am	Not Tired for some reason What up, So this college thing is catching up to me. So much work and soo little time to do it in. Its like every teacher thinks that you are only taking their class, telling from the shit load of work they give you. My economics class is harder then expected but im a trooper and im staying in. I dont care if i have to seduce the professor for an good grade, I'm not dropping the fucking class. (I would never have the balls to seduce a professor, unless i thought he was seducable)So my nana calls me and tells me she misses me.. that things are not the same now that all 3 of us are gone. Its sad, i know. I miss the sunday dinners at nans house with my annoying little cuzins running around calling me poopie-head. (god bless em!)Another thing she mentioned was how bored she was now. Then instantaneously she gets a beep from my aunt jamie saying "your daughter rosemary is miserable" so naturally my nana gets excited b/c that will give her something to talk about for a weak. I miss my talks with my father. I hope every thing is going good at home.. b/c they can put on one hell of a show for people, but behind closed doors all hell breaks loose. I've noticed I'm becoming my mother. This is good and bad. Good part... I clean like a mother fuckin maid. She would be soo proud of me. Hell Im proud of me. I lysoled every thing today while i was talkin to su. Two birds one stone. (you know the saying) Bad part is. Im miserable when it comes to my relationship with daryl. Im not really miserable..but i always sound miserable. I sound like her. Always picking fights... its my way or now way... what is up with that. What ever happened to the sarcastic ashley who never gave a shit! (Make her come back) I dont want to care. The worst thing in the world is caring. Frankly I'm sick of it. Its like an outter body experience. I'm on the phone with bgd and I hear my tone and I know where the convo is going but I cant stop it, when easily i can. Its like a dream when you try to scream out but you have no vocal chords so there for you cant scream. Yeah its like that! NOTE TO SELF: WORK ON NOT CARING Yeah so how about that gym. Well i waive to it every day..on my way to the dining hall. Thats really the only time I see the gym. Gloriously gleaming out of the corner of my left eye. ohh its soo close most would say... when in reality.. its a whole intersection away. It is a dangerous tast trying to walk to the gym. I could get hit by a car. Now you have to ask yourself. Are you willing to risk your life for a 30 minunte work out. Not so much. Granted there are cross walks.. but where's the fun in that. I got tracie as my bid sis. The whole ceremony was quite breath taking. I cried b/c this whole weak tracie has been preparing me for her not to be my big diamond so when I saw her holding the same candle as mine.. i was excited b/c we have a special bond. She text messages me every morning saying 'Good morning sunshine'. Tarin is tracies big diamond and Im tracies little so that makes me tarins grand lil.. so we will be sharing the same family # 18 as well as ALI who I coincidentally bonded with before we received diamond sisters and she is my aunt b/c she is tarins lil diamond. I know the whole thing is complex but hey you ge the jiff. Nothing in my life is that exciting.. although as you know I taught myself how to juggle. And I was so excited. It felt amazing. I though it was going to take me hours and hours when really it took me 15 minutes. See what aspoon full of sugar does for ya. AKA bubble gum. Daryl had his grab a date tonite.. he went with jessica kline but apparently she knew someone else in the frat so danced with that guy all nite. Then daryl presumes to tell me that he "just danced" and didnt "touch" any one. Which makes me more suspicious b/c who ever says that. Usually the convo goes like this: BGD: Hey Chubs: Heyyy, how did it go? BGD: It was fun! Chubs: Good good, what did yall end up doing? BGD: Oh we drank a little and danced at the club. Chubs: Ohh good hunny I'm soo happy for you! lol as you can see this is a total lie and we don't live in pleasant ville. No but seriously he was like "I swear all we did was dance and I didnt touch any one I just thought about you the whole time" Oh yeah what sparked me to write in this journal thing.. now i remember it was the fact that he left online before me. I wasnt waiting up for him.. Cuz i waslookin atlyrics by mariah carey.. but i had mentioned that i was tired and i wanted to lay in bed. He was like no no. So me like a fucking idiot stays and offers to talk to him some one. Then two minutes later I tell him i have to go potty and he signs off saying hes tired yada yada. I swear to God, Im going with my instincts from now on. If Im tired and he says wait Im gonna say how about not! I hate the feeling that I would sacrifice more for him then he would for me. But whatever were just kids and this is a learning experience right? Yeah just back me up for my sake. Take care of you Im going to bed cuz NOW im tired. <3 Coookie(cock sucka) <~ Mr. Pujals its from a movie (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 7th, 2003
4:29 am	UF VS Miami Yo Patri, they are all titled to you cuz it helps me write when I know Im actually talking to someone. So i woke up at like 1 oclock got lunch with Tiff(roomie) and Jamie and Mikalina(sp?) Jamie and I get along great.. we really do. Saw Ed and talked to him for a bit.. he looks hot! Damn girl.. his arms are fucking bulging. And hes such a nice boy.. remember when he was sucha dick. You know he had his penis up his ass and was against women. Well now hes grown up.. Im hopping someday something happens b/t you too cuz I like him. (I dont care if you like him or not, these are my wishes and Im entitled to em). Tracie Ali and I went to gator docks with the Delt boys to watcht he football game. I was rooting for Uf (the only one) But occasionally I would clap for the other team if they made a good pass. We stayed there until half time.. then went to Jasons apartment. Where we played an awesome game of v-ball out side at 1 in the morning, then a quick but fun game of taboo. But before that the Kappa Sig boys that jason rooms with went for a quick run to albetsons to buy some chocolate cake and icecream and doghnuts.. yum yum I was actually good this time.. despite what my sister says. I wasnt nervous at all. Usually Im nervous when I play with daryl. He just has that effect on me. Cuz of the whole smarts thing. Yeah I gotta get over that. I still check my spell check can you believe that. (you always give me great confidence in my self, I thank you for that...)But he called at like 2 i think and i was at jasons and somehow our conversations never go as i exspect them to go. Im always getting off the phone with this big dissapointment. We fite way too much.. Im soo afraid to let him go cuz I know that I would loose him. I dont want him to turn into this bad kid.. sleeping with all these girls and disrespecting them. For somereason I think that us meeting in highschool was great b/c Ive molded him into this lovey guy who is sweet and genuinely benevolent. (Well at least I like to think i had do with some part of that). But another part of me questions.. like am I going to marry this kid.. who am i kidding. I just dont know any more girl. I need to think about this topic alittle bit more. Thanks for that email about men. Cute! and soo very true. (I cant wait for us to grow old together, I dont think you know how much of an impact you have made on my life. I am the person I am to day inpart b/c of you. You have opened my eyes to accept different cultures, to see both sides of the story, accept people for who they are, and soo soo many more things. Soo soo many more more things. I know that we fite.. and Im inconsiderate sometimes.. but I think you have to learn how to be inconsiderate first before you can be considerate. (Im in between those two) Ive told you this before but you always keep me in check. When things get bad you always remind me that they can get alot worse! lol. THis whole college thing is just the beginning for us. Its funny b/c the other day I was eating with jamie and i said to her that this girl standing next to us looked just like you. You are always with me in spirit. Thank you for your honesty and god bless you! jk.. no seriously if there is a god ( i gotta stop hanging out with daryl) I pray that you get every thing in life that you want.. cuz I know that your prayers are never selfish (right?) But Ill keep you updated.. I like this thing. Email me on Aol. With love respect and admiration A true sister Ashley (Comment on this)
4:09 am	Fuck I just wrote this whole big letter and to you ... and I deleted it by accident.. Fuck fuck fuck.. RESTART: Retreat ultimately was a blast.. I met some great girls played lots of fun games like arrange the greek alphabet in order. And name that tv show tune. I rocked ass in the name the tune game.. We were the Apple Pies and we kicked The Humping Mufasas asses. The Nasty Nalas came in first though. Bitches! Jk nothing but pi love for ya. I found out that I get initiated the day after my b-day so i wont be able to come to uf and see you. I was really upset about that cuz its my first b-day away from home and i really wanted to be with my friends, but hopefully it will be fun. So later that nite abunch of the Alphas (equivalent to me) stayed at the house and bonded with the sisters.. but I went out with my Bid Day buddy Tracie to her greek lil brothers party. Hes in Delta Tau Telt aka Delts. It was a small intimate party full of delts and some girls.. and they are sweet hearts. Not cuz they want to get in my pants just cuz there kinda of nerdy (no other way to describe em) and dont think they are hot shit and full of themselves type of crap you get in really big frats. But i had one beer and let tracie drink (arent i a sweet sista) The delts are a young frat so I bonded great with them.. Derek- tacies lil is really nice...I sensed some flirtation goin on but ehh not my type sort of deal. I would ask him to be my big brother but I kind of feel older then him. Then I talked to this guy Wendyle... (no im not kidding) and boy did I put him in his place. He would criticize people and make comments about them soo ofcourse I called him on it and gave him a taste of his own penis.. bye cracking on the bright orange shirt he was wearing and the fact that hes a failure out of college.. but automatically I felt guilty doing it. I would have to say Just Kidding after every crack. You know me Im genuinely nice Im not a meany. But any ways we left at 3 and I drove tracie back to the house, then got home and went to bed. But im gonna tell you about my nite tonite so ill be rite back. TT<3 ASHLEY (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 6th, 2003
7:07 pm	Rambling TWO.... Patri, Here is this deal.. I've started this new live journal thing (yeah i know just like every one else) But no Im different. I m not doing it for other people to read..Well I could care less if you daryl su and tay read it, and trust me there will be some things said about you in there but only for therapetic reasons. Every nite before I go to bed and usually after I talk to Daryl (well fite with him) my mind starts going off. I start rambling in my head. So my thoughts are since My mind thinks too fast for me to write Ill type it and make it even daring, b/c someone could perhaps read it. Its not fun writing to myself with out the possibility that someone could read it. Possibility- key word here. This does not mean that I want all these people knowing about mylife and my initimate personal things... only the people I love and trust. Since these letters Im writing to you are sort of my venting and recap of the week. Im just gonna post these on the live journal cuz its apain in the ass to have to rewrite it twice. Ofcourse your letters to me wont be on there cuz i dont have concent.. and I dont want concent. They just wont be on there. Enough about the fuckin journal: So this weekend we were suppose to go on the retreat to camp Geneva.. but no it was canceled due to the tropical rainstorm (that didn't happen). I was really looking forward to it b/c it was my time to bond with just the Alpha class of 03 and no sisters. The sisters were suppose to chill with us today at the camp. So we ended up all 70 of us cramming in this big room(tile floor). We had a great time.. I went with this girl Ali (super sweet) abit imature but my kind of girl not when it comes to talking about sex though cuz shes a virgin and not into sex or alci. Which is cool with me. Any ways we did these ice breakers where we got to learn the girl's names and all that jazz. The game that was most interesting was I SPY THAT CRAZY ADPI. Its like never have I ever. You know how it goes. So at first it started off as innocent, I spy that crazy ADPI whos wearing jeans... so all the people wearing jeans get up and move to another seat on the floor, the last person to sit stays in the middle says their name and does another one. Well I spy an ADPI who has her ears pierced was called. so i got up and quickly ran across the room. Needless to say I was the last person to sit cuz i have a fat but. So Im thinking, hmmmmm.. what can i do to stir this game up. Lets really get personnal. So i said "I spy that crazy ADPI who is not a virgin" Wow... They all got up! I didnt think any one was going to disclose it but they did. Ofcourse not all of em got up but you know what Im saying. So then it got into more detail. This one made me think of you... cuz you asked it at Jill b-day party "I spy that crazy ADPi whos given road head" Needless to say people got up. It was agreat game... and I stood up for many more of them but i never got caught. Illbe back tracie is here. mwa (Comment on this)
3:53 am	Ohh yeah Look at me Damn I'm soo tired but I always keep putting off this stupid live journal thing and since tomorrow is saturday and I have nothing to do (meaning study) I'm going to sacrifice my precious 8 hour sleep time, that I must get every nite or else I'm one big crank, and actually type in it. I like this therapeutic method better then writing in a journal. One, typing is obviously faster then ink. 2. Well there is no two for me. I usually start all my diaries out with an introdcution about my self. Lets take a look at a sample one. Dear Diary, 9-15-95 My name is Ashley Lante (shortened for privacy reasons) and I am 10 years old. I have long brown hair and brown eyes. I weigh about 110LBS. (dont make fun!) My hobbies are.. yeah yeah yada yada yada.. you know how it goes. Every time I start a diary off like this I never keep up with it. Months and even years pass by before I even update the next entry. So I'm thinking If I dont start this journal/ diary thing off like all my past ones, then I'll update it often instead of sporadically. So any ways let me just jump into my life. I don't really need to update you on any thing considering you don't really have a mind at all anyways. And if I were to tell you about past experiences that happend before today it would be for my own knowledge. So I'm just going to talk about people and places as if you already know who/where/what they are. WARNING: THIS DIARY IS STRICTLY FOR THERAPeUTIC REASONS ONLY. IM NOT HERE TO MAKE ANYONE LAUGH,CRY,OR ANGRY. If people want to read this thats fine.. I must admit I'm not holding back for any one. Ok I'm tired and my pillow awaits. TT<3 Ashley (Comment on this)